Couple discussions: Why do they happen? Constant arguments with a partner cause much wear and tear on the relationship and makes it difficult to build healthy relationships. Even so, it is very common for there to be conflicts in couples. The problem comes when arguments become routine and fights are the most common way of communicating.
If you want your partner, why are you not able to stop arguing? To get out of this loop, you must understand where the arguments come from, what consequences they have for the relationship and you, and what you can do to avoid them.
In this article, we will show you why discussions happen in couples so that you can find the most efficient way to avoid them.
Reasons Couples Argue
Generally, people argue because, in the same situation, they want or feel different things. Therefore, couple discussions arise when there is a contrast of interests, opinions, or emotional experiences. This is something that should not be conflictive if properly resolved. But sometimes the fights become constant and recurring.
Likewise, it is important to remember the chances of friction with the partner are higher than with other people because of the intimacy and time-sharing.
On the other hand, there are especially vulnerable moments in couple relationships, such as the beginning of coexistence, removals, losses, layoffs, pregnancies, infertility diagnoses, etc. As a result, conflicts can start or escalate until they become unsustainable.
In addition, past experiences carry much weight in the way people discuss, since we often use communication patterns previously learned in childhood or adolescence.
What’s behind the constant arguments?
There are many reasons why couples argue. However, they become recurrent because we have not resolved them to the satisfaction of both parties or because the apparent reason for the discussion is not the source of the problem.
How to know what the real reason for the constant fights is?
These ideas are quite common, and you may feel identified with some of them:
You have not established the basis of the relationship.
What kind of relationship do you want? Are you going to have children? In what time frame? Can you have relationships with other people? These are some questions that arise in all relationships, and that must be talked about with sincerity. It is important that you share your time with a person who has vital goals compatible with yours, and you have the same level of commitment.
Communication is not adequate.
Are you honest with yourself? And with your partner? Do you think your partner should guess or anticipate what you want? Communicating passively and aggressively generates much discomfort. The situation will probably improve if you communicate assertively.
There are difficulties to empathize.
Empathize to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, to understand how they feel or why. It is important to be present in the relationship and make the other person feel important to you, even if they think or feel differently.
· There are imbalances of power.
It usually manifests itself with an unequal distribution of household and care tasks and showing rigidity in roles. As a result, relationships cannot be healthy and must be reviewed from the ground up. What is expected of you in the relationship? What do you expect of the other? Are you compensated? Is there flexibility in the roles?
There are past conflicts and fears from previous relationships.
Unresolved past conflicts often trigger unpleasant emotions uncontrollably. These types of ghosts weigh a lot, and it is important to face and resolve them to move forward. It may be that the most appropriate in these cases is to resort to individual therapy.
Expectations about relationships and the partner are unrealistic.
Thinking that love can come with everything, that you can make your partner change for love or expect them to act as you would, usually causes a lot of frustration and much reproach. Relativizing the idea of romantic love can help you be happy in your relationship without dreaming of the impossible.
They are not accepting the different stages that relationships go through.
Do you miss the passion of the beginning? It is common for couples and people to change. There may be phases in which sexual encounters decrease, but complicity or trust also increases. Don’t forget that relationships change. It may help you not to focus on the negative moments because it usually leads to neglecting the positive ones or not appreciating them enough.
The family and social environment.
It is common to have different ideas and desires regarding enjoying leisure time and family time—feeling jealous that some people intervene in your decisions or not wanting to share the same amount of time with the in-laws. To live with these dynamics, healthy communication is key, setting limits to your partner and respecting theirs.
They were living in precarious situations.
Lack of financial resources, working too many hours, not making plans or spending time with your partner, wanting to have children, and not being able to assume it or even not having the possibility of going to therapy makes you feel frustrated and anxious.
Don’t consider breaking up as an option.
Sometimes the breakup is the best or the only option so that both parties can be happy. A therapeutic process can accompany the making of this difficult decision.
How do you know if you argue too much?
Not always agreeing with your partner, having some disagreements, or that there are days when you are not in the best mood, is something natural, and it happens in all relationships. You may assume that other couples do not argue because most people try to show the best of their relationship, relegating conflicts to the private sphere.
There is no measure to define what it would be to discuss a lot or a little. It is something that you should value.
Are you uncomfortable? Do constant disagreements make you suffer? It is your well-being that you must take into account to consider a change in the dynamics.
In addition, it is not only the number of disputes but the way of doing it that should concern you. What signs, among others, can tell you it is not a healthy way of talking?
Insult and judgment.
- They are blaming or making you feel guilty.
- Defensiveness, excuses, lies.
- Showing indifference to the emotions of the other.
Contempt, disrespect, or mock
What are the consequences of constant fights?
On the one hand, crises harm how you find yourself with your partner and, on the other hand, on how you find yourself.
1. Consequences of arguments in the couple
Couple conflicts have much impact and deteriorate relationships since they cause:
Distancing: Why discussions happen as a couple
You may feel very far from your partner as if you no longer know who they are or if they look like the person you met and fell in love with.
Distrust: Why discussions happen as a couple
Relationships need trust to move forward, so if this pillar is destabilized, it can have disastrous consequences.
Problems in sexuality: Why discussions happen as a couple
It’s hard to feel like showing affection or having sex with someone you repeatedly bump into.
More conflicts: Why discussions happen as a couple
Generally, arguments make you more susceptible, and the chances of new frictions starting increase exponentially. In addition, confrontations generate addiction to the fight-reconciliation loop, which can be very exciting but not healthy.
2. Consequences of couple arguments on a personal level
There are consequences that only one party may experience and that go unnoticed for the other, such as:
Damage to self-esteem: Why discussions happen as a couple
As a result of disrespect or simply constant criticism, you can start to feel unvalued, unloved, with a bad feeling about your physique, etc.
Demotivation: Why discussions happen as a couple
As you try different strategies that fail to change your relationship patterns, you can lose the desire to spend time with your partner and try to get along with them. This causes an emotional distance because you feel nothing is going to change.
Exhaustion: Why discussions happen as a couple
Disagreements produce a lot of physical and emotional wear. A lot of time and energy is invested, and the quality of rest is affected.
Low work and academic performance: Why discussions happen as a couple
Physical and emotional fatigue can lower performance, making it difficult to maintain your attention, you tend to look at your phone more than you should, making it difficult to concentrate. Sustaining conflicts over time can only bring you negative consequences beyond your personal life.
Anxiety: Why discussions happen as a couple
The worry stemming from frequent fights causes anxiety. In addition, the level of physiological activation when people argue is usually very high, so if the conflicts prolong over time, you will likely have feelings of stress and anxiety. Sustained stress can cause a decrease in defenses and even illness.
What can you do to handle dating arguments successfully?
Above all, you must remember that couple conflicts do not have a winner. Both parties suffer the consequences if you do not take care of the forms and content of what you say.
1. Take it easy
If you want it to go well, invest time and energy to make it happen. Breathe and think that the conversation can last a long time.
2. Keep love in mind
If you are with that person, you love them, and because you know they love you. Don’t forget that when it comes to expressing yourself and listening. When in doubt, try to interpret the sentences positively, not negatively. Do not insult and do not blame. That won’t get you anywhere. What’s the point of making the person you love feel bad?
3. Encourage physical and visual contact
This can help regulate and calm you down as the conversation unfolds.
4. Remind yourself, “we are a team.”
“We are in the same boat,” or “if I win, you win.” You can also communicate it out loud if necessary. Everything that is not working together, on the same line, drives you away.
5. Actively listen
Trying to understand the other, empathize, and not waiting for it to end while you are thinking about your answer.
6. Take care of communication
Communicate from emotion, change the “you make me …” that acts as an attack in these circumstances for “I feel.” In addition, it is important to collect the emotions of the other party and try to integrate them into your interventions.
Trying to understand the other person’s emotions and putting yourself in their situation can often go a long way toward better conversations.
8. Try to repair the damage
After a discussion, you may think that the easiest thing is to turn the page as quickly as possible or to pretend nothing has happened. But conflicts act by separating couples, so after an argument, it is important to see what your relationship needs to return to calm and so that couple arguments do not become enraged.
These ideas can also help you make peace with your partner and strengthen your bond:
- Apologize and accept the apology.
- Ask your partner if they need something and communicate what you need.
- Agree on a plan of action: “if this happens again, we could …”.
- Take your space to organize your ideas and allow the other person to do it too.
- Make a plan that helps you take care of yourself.
Now that you know why couple discussions happen, you can find the best solutions and even generate multiple strategies to avoid them successfully.